Coming Together

In class this week, we talked about "blended" families.  Two adults coming together to parent children who are not biologically both of their, and becoming a family.  People can definitely make it work... people have made it work.  It's just a matter of knowing what to do, and truly applying that knowledge.
In a situation like this, I believe it's safe to assume that something has happened with at least one of these individuals, and that will have been difficult to deal with.  That is one of the most important things to remember.  Another thing to remember is that everyone involved is in a new situation.  All individuals involved are trying to figure out just where they fit in the new puzzle, and there is probably no one who will be able to settle immediately and without any difficulties. 
I suppose really, the most important keys to remember in such a situation are love, patience, understanding, and prayer.  Even in the hard times, these people were brought together by love, and in believeing that they were making the right decision.  Difficult times, stressors, challenges... they will arise, but they will pass.

Respect: Not Just for Adults

One of the greatest lessons in parenting I've ever learned was taught to me by my mom, and reinforced to me by teachers.  Being a Child Development major, I've seen the importance in this lesson.
Growing up, whenever we asked my mom "why?", she would tell us.  Even if this meant explaining punishments, or why something we were doing was wrong.  She would catch some heat from this, by people who would tell her that she didn't need to tell us, we didn't deserve to know, and the answer could be as simply as 'Because I'm the parent, that's why".  But my mom didn't see it that way. 
She taught me that just because we were smaller, and younger, it didn't mean that we were any less important.  We were still humans, and deserved to be treated as such.  We still should have the same level of dignity, courtesy, and respect.
There are so many lessons that a parent needs to teach their child.  Parenting is one big responsibility! 
But things will run so much smoother with respect.  Parents want to be obeyed and treated with respect, right?  Children learn from their parents.  The lesson of respect will get across much quicker if they are being shown respect.  Because, as I've said before, children learn so much more by example than by being told. 
We want our children to BE and not simply to DO.  Making them obey out of fear will get them to DO, but it will never teach them to BE.  And what's the point of a lesson at all, if it only changes one actions, and not the person themselves?  Nothing takes root, and nothing is truly accomplished.  And that's a failure.

Keeping a Level Head While You're on Shaky Ground

I grew up with a very angry father.  He would get mad at us over things both small and big.  He would get mad at my mom over small and big things, and she wouldn't always just take it.  When things escalated between my parents, our mom would send us to our rooms, tell us to close the doors, and she would close the hallway doors behind us.  It muffled our parents voices if they stayed quiet enough, but if they began to yell, we could still hear them.  Being the oldest, I would gather my brothers together, turn up the radio, and propose that we have a "dance 'till you drop" party.  Once they hit a certain age, however, this little trick didn't work so well.
I don't know what my parents would fight about; I just knew it was happening.  Disagreements, in and of themselves, aren't bad.  They can be beneficial, and provide both parties with opportunities to learn, to grow, and to view things in a new light. 
The main, most important part in this, is how you handle yourself in the situation.  If you can handle arguments kindly and calmly, it would even be good for children to see their parents deal with a disagreement.  Children learn more by example than by words.  Caregivers have the opportunity at every turn to show their children what to become, whether good or bad, intentionally or accidentally.

How to Use What You Have (And What You Don't)

In class on Friday, we talked about money, and financial management.  We discussed ways to include the whole family in knowing about saving and spending.  We talked about problems that could arise (problems that end up costing money!) and how to be ready for them. 
My family has been very strongly middle-class my whole life.  Besides a few rough patches, we always at least had enough to get what we needed.  Growing up, my brothers and I had our few chores that we were simply expected to do, and if we wanted to earn a little money, there was extra work we could do.  That definitely taught us the lesson of working for what you wanted, and doing a good job if you hoped to get paid.
One thing I want to implement with my children (which I don't remember my parents doing with me) is to teach saving.  My mom always stressed that we pay our tithing first.  She never forced us to, but she would always graciously offer to take the 10% out before she paid us, and put it in an envelope on our behalf!  However, though she would council us to not spend our money for the sake of spending it, there was never an amount we were taught to put away and hold on to.  I think that's an important lesson to teach children, and it can easily be started.  If it becomes so automatic that it's more of a habit than a sacrifice, as the individual's earnings increase, so will their savings.
I think another thing that needs to be taught is only spending what you have.  This, thankfully, was something my mom taught me.  Credit cards make it so easy to buy things you can't afford, but too few people think about the fact that they're simply borrowing money, from someone who will charge them extra for not paying them back.  Debt, though acceptable in some situations, is not a good situation to be in.

Having Hope in Healing

Class this week sort of... took me outside of myself.  When I read that our main topic for the week was going to be dealing with stressors within the family, I very seriously considered skipping class.  My family has gone through some pretty hefty stuff in the last couple of years, and  I justwanted to bury my head in the sand until we were done, as I saw it, drawing things out.  I had taken Stress and Coping class before, and figured I knew what the healthy/unhealthy ways to take care of stress were.  What would there be for me to learn?
Turns out, there was plenty.  And I learned, just not in the way that I was expecting.  It was good for me to hear so many people talk about their problems.  That sounds worse typed out than it sounds in my head.  Sometimes it's refreshing to know that you're not alone, especially when your problems seem so earth shattering.  To see that it's not something so uniquely wrong or broken with your own family is... healthy.
I think if everything could be sunshine and rainbows, that would be fantastic.  But it's not.  Sometimes things are hard, and dark.  But we're not alone in the dark.  There are others out there.  Their hands are searching, seeking, and while we're lost in the dark, looking for our own light, we can find another hand, and at least hold on to that, knowing two people are no longer alone.

Teaching the Children

I'm not married, and I don't have children yet.  But just because that's the case, it doesn't mean I don't know what's going on involving children, and it doesn't mean I don't have well-informed opinions.
One of the things we discussed in class this past week was the way sex-ed is being taught in school.  When I was learning sex-ed, in middle school, the boys and girls were in seperate classes for the lessons, because the lessons focused on the human body, and the differences between the genders.  We learned about how a female's body changes, and what the changes would mean for sex and for procreation.  That's all remember.
Now, however, sex-ed is being taught in a completely different way.  Both males and females are being taught together.  The lessons are focusing much more on "safe sex", masturbation, a rating system of activities from french kissing to oral sex, etc. 
I believe there is an appropriate time and place for lessons such as these to be taught-- but I do not believe that the place is in the classroom.  It will be taught by teachers, who according to law, need to teach "by the book".  It does not sound like there is room to allow for the child's individuals beliefs, morals, or even comfort level.
Is this right?  Is it right for us to allow with others to deal with such a delicate subject in such a brash manner?  Not only in a way which has no regards to personal values, but in a way that lumps the individual child in with the whole of the classroom population.

Drawing the Line

In one of our discussion this week, we talked about boundaries.  This was definitely something relatable to me (though I promise I won't get into any gory details this time, like I did with the last post).
One of my best friends is a guy.  We've been really close for a couple of years.  We had no problem talking about deep, private things with each other.  People often thought we were at LEAST dating, with the way we interacted with each other.  It wasn't a rare thing for us to run errands together, or for us to spend time at each other's homes, late into the night, in my spa, on his sofa, cuddling, getting into tickle fights, falling asleep, etc.
However, for the past few months, he has been "courting" someone (not me).  When I realised they were exclusive, I knew we could not have the type of relationship I had become use to use having.  There were no romantic feelings or intentions between us, but I knew that different aspects of how we were around each other (the cuddling and falling asleep together on the sofa, for example) were no longer appropriate.  It was a really hard change, because I really liked what we had.  We are best friends, we love each other, we are as good as family.  I didn't want us to stop being... so us.
But I knew things had to change.  When you get into an exclusive relationship with someone, things change.  New boundaries are built.  My teacher described it as building a picket fence around the couple.  It's not a formidable fence; it's an inviting one.  People know they are welcome.  But it's a fence, all the same.  And it needs to be there.  A healthy relationship needs that little picket fence around it.  The couple is together, the couple is a unit, but others are welcome to visit.