Coming Together

In class this week, we talked about "blended" families.  Two adults coming together to parent children who are not biologically both of their, and becoming a family.  People can definitely make it work... people have made it work.  It's just a matter of knowing what to do, and truly applying that knowledge.
In a situation like this, I believe it's safe to assume that something has happened with at least one of these individuals, and that will have been difficult to deal with.  That is one of the most important things to remember.  Another thing to remember is that everyone involved is in a new situation.  All individuals involved are trying to figure out just where they fit in the new puzzle, and there is probably no one who will be able to settle immediately and without any difficulties. 
I suppose really, the most important keys to remember in such a situation are love, patience, understanding, and prayer.  Even in the hard times, these people were brought together by love, and in believeing that they were making the right decision.  Difficult times, stressors, challenges... they will arise, but they will pass.

Respect: Not Just for Adults

One of the greatest lessons in parenting I've ever learned was taught to me by my mom, and reinforced to me by teachers.  Being a Child Development major, I've seen the importance in this lesson.
Growing up, whenever we asked my mom "why?", she would tell us.  Even if this meant explaining punishments, or why something we were doing was wrong.  She would catch some heat from this, by people who would tell her that she didn't need to tell us, we didn't deserve to know, and the answer could be as simply as 'Because I'm the parent, that's why".  But my mom didn't see it that way. 
She taught me that just because we were smaller, and younger, it didn't mean that we were any less important.  We were still humans, and deserved to be treated as such.  We still should have the same level of dignity, courtesy, and respect.
There are so many lessons that a parent needs to teach their child.  Parenting is one big responsibility! 
But things will run so much smoother with respect.  Parents want to be obeyed and treated with respect, right?  Children learn from their parents.  The lesson of respect will get across much quicker if they are being shown respect.  Because, as I've said before, children learn so much more by example than by being told. 
We want our children to BE and not simply to DO.  Making them obey out of fear will get them to DO, but it will never teach them to BE.  And what's the point of a lesson at all, if it only changes one actions, and not the person themselves?  Nothing takes root, and nothing is truly accomplished.  And that's a failure.

Keeping a Level Head While You're on Shaky Ground

I grew up with a very angry father.  He would get mad at us over things both small and big.  He would get mad at my mom over small and big things, and she wouldn't always just take it.  When things escalated between my parents, our mom would send us to our rooms, tell us to close the doors, and she would close the hallway doors behind us.  It muffled our parents voices if they stayed quiet enough, but if they began to yell, we could still hear them.  Being the oldest, I would gather my brothers together, turn up the radio, and propose that we have a "dance 'till you drop" party.  Once they hit a certain age, however, this little trick didn't work so well.
I don't know what my parents would fight about; I just knew it was happening.  Disagreements, in and of themselves, aren't bad.  They can be beneficial, and provide both parties with opportunities to learn, to grow, and to view things in a new light. 
The main, most important part in this, is how you handle yourself in the situation.  If you can handle arguments kindly and calmly, it would even be good for children to see their parents deal with a disagreement.  Children learn more by example than by words.  Caregivers have the opportunity at every turn to show their children what to become, whether good or bad, intentionally or accidentally.

How to Use What You Have (And What You Don't)

In class on Friday, we talked about money, and financial management.  We discussed ways to include the whole family in knowing about saving and spending.  We talked about problems that could arise (problems that end up costing money!) and how to be ready for them. 
My family has been very strongly middle-class my whole life.  Besides a few rough patches, we always at least had enough to get what we needed.  Growing up, my brothers and I had our few chores that we were simply expected to do, and if we wanted to earn a little money, there was extra work we could do.  That definitely taught us the lesson of working for what you wanted, and doing a good job if you hoped to get paid.
One thing I want to implement with my children (which I don't remember my parents doing with me) is to teach saving.  My mom always stressed that we pay our tithing first.  She never forced us to, but she would always graciously offer to take the 10% out before she paid us, and put it in an envelope on our behalf!  However, though she would council us to not spend our money for the sake of spending it, there was never an amount we were taught to put away and hold on to.  I think that's an important lesson to teach children, and it can easily be started.  If it becomes so automatic that it's more of a habit than a sacrifice, as the individual's earnings increase, so will their savings.
I think another thing that needs to be taught is only spending what you have.  This, thankfully, was something my mom taught me.  Credit cards make it so easy to buy things you can't afford, but too few people think about the fact that they're simply borrowing money, from someone who will charge them extra for not paying them back.  Debt, though acceptable in some situations, is not a good situation to be in.

Having Hope in Healing

Class this week sort of... took me outside of myself.  When I read that our main topic for the week was going to be dealing with stressors within the family, I very seriously considered skipping class.  My family has gone through some pretty hefty stuff in the last couple of years, and  I justwanted to bury my head in the sand until we were done, as I saw it, drawing things out.  I had taken Stress and Coping class before, and figured I knew what the healthy/unhealthy ways to take care of stress were.  What would there be for me to learn?
Turns out, there was plenty.  And I learned, just not in the way that I was expecting.  It was good for me to hear so many people talk about their problems.  That sounds worse typed out than it sounds in my head.  Sometimes it's refreshing to know that you're not alone, especially when your problems seem so earth shattering.  To see that it's not something so uniquely wrong or broken with your own family is... healthy.
I think if everything could be sunshine and rainbows, that would be fantastic.  But it's not.  Sometimes things are hard, and dark.  But we're not alone in the dark.  There are others out there.  Their hands are searching, seeking, and while we're lost in the dark, looking for our own light, we can find another hand, and at least hold on to that, knowing two people are no longer alone.

Teaching the Children

I'm not married, and I don't have children yet.  But just because that's the case, it doesn't mean I don't know what's going on involving children, and it doesn't mean I don't have well-informed opinions.
One of the things we discussed in class this past week was the way sex-ed is being taught in school.  When I was learning sex-ed, in middle school, the boys and girls were in seperate classes for the lessons, because the lessons focused on the human body, and the differences between the genders.  We learned about how a female's body changes, and what the changes would mean for sex and for procreation.  That's all remember.
Now, however, sex-ed is being taught in a completely different way.  Both males and females are being taught together.  The lessons are focusing much more on "safe sex", masturbation, a rating system of activities from french kissing to oral sex, etc. 
I believe there is an appropriate time and place for lessons such as these to be taught-- but I do not believe that the place is in the classroom.  It will be taught by teachers, who according to law, need to teach "by the book".  It does not sound like there is room to allow for the child's individuals beliefs, morals, or even comfort level.
Is this right?  Is it right for us to allow with others to deal with such a delicate subject in such a brash manner?  Not only in a way which has no regards to personal values, but in a way that lumps the individual child in with the whole of the classroom population.

Drawing the Line

In one of our discussion this week, we talked about boundaries.  This was definitely something relatable to me (though I promise I won't get into any gory details this time, like I did with the last post).
One of my best friends is a guy.  We've been really close for a couple of years.  We had no problem talking about deep, private things with each other.  People often thought we were at LEAST dating, with the way we interacted with each other.  It wasn't a rare thing for us to run errands together, or for us to spend time at each other's homes, late into the night, in my spa, on his sofa, cuddling, getting into tickle fights, falling asleep, etc.
However, for the past few months, he has been "courting" someone (not me).  When I realised they were exclusive, I knew we could not have the type of relationship I had become use to use having.  There were no romantic feelings or intentions between us, but I knew that different aspects of how we were around each other (the cuddling and falling asleep together on the sofa, for example) were no longer appropriate.  It was a really hard change, because I really liked what we had.  We are best friends, we love each other, we are as good as family.  I didn't want us to stop being... so us.
But I knew things had to change.  When you get into an exclusive relationship with someone, things change.  New boundaries are built.  My teacher described it as building a picket fence around the couple.  It's not a formidable fence; it's an inviting one.  People know they are welcome.  But it's a fence, all the same.  And it needs to be there.  A healthy relationship needs that little picket fence around it.  The couple is together, the couple is a unit, but others are welcome to visit.

Love Is All You Need?

In class this week, we talked alot about love.  When really went in depth to the idea of love.  We looked at it from ALL kinds of angles.  Yeah.  That can happen.
It was really so interesting.  It was one of those classes that I really think EVERY SINGLE PERSON could benefit from. 
We talked about different types of love.  Passionate love, friendly love, love of all beings... it gave a new perspective to things.  We talked about different levels and aspects in relationships... trust, knowing, touch, etc.  These two different points, in particular, are lessons I wish everyone could use.
There are those relationships where you can't stop thinking about the other person, constantly wish you were with them... but couldn't really care whether or not they get that promotion that they're really hoping for.  There are those co-workers who happen to be at a party together, spend a lot of time alone, get a little carried away with each other... and then worry constantly about who the other one has told, about them.
I think part of the reson people get in too deep with someone they don't care about so much is because they focus on the one type of love.  It's all a matter of passion.  People are told that sex changes a relationship, but so does kissing on the first date.
I kept thinking back to my last boyfriend.  The first time we met, at the store where a friend of mine worked, I couldn't be bothered.  He was clearly interested in me, and I just didn't care to give him the time of day.  He insisted I go to his boss's retirement party that night, and since my friend was already planning to go, I went with her.  At the party, he got me hooked.  He was attentive exclusively to me, he was interested in what I had to say, he was courteous, he was fun, and I was flattered.  We went out on our first date the next night, and when he dropped me off at my front door, he kissed me.  Not just a peck-- he kissed me like no one had kissed me before.  There was a part of me that was scared, and felt angry he would make such a move without checking to see where I stood, and had no idea what to do about it, but there was also a part of me that liked it.  It felt good. 
While we were dating, we kissed more than we talked.  Our relationship wasn't a very long one, but it got serious very quickly.  When he left at the end of the summer, to move back home, I was crushed.  He promised he would be bac often, because he had family in the area.  He promised he would call every day.  He promised the distance wouldn't change things, we were still together, and things would work.  I believed every promise, but he didn't keep one of them. 
And why would he?  He was attractive, he presented himself very well, and he wanted to own a farm.  I couldn't tell you much more about him.  What could he tell you about me?  When we were no longer physically together, when the miles didn't allow us to hold hands and kiss at red lights, what was there to keep us committed to each other?
The lessons I've learned in the past week are lessons I wish I knew before this relationship.  Even if it didn't stop me from letting things escalate like they did, it would have helped me to understand why things played out like they did, and would have made the heartbreak of suddenly being neglected a lot less heartbreaking.

Mothers and Fathers

Just from the past week, the class meetings, the thinking I've done on my own outside of class, my opinion on heterosexual marriage has only been strengthened.  I believe that children need mothers and fathers.  Even more so than that, they need good ones.

Both men and women need to set a good example to their children, not only as to who they should be, but for the type of person they should seek out in a significant other. I have three younger brothers, and I think I have heard each of them, either through telling my mom face-to-face or telling me, that they know the best thing for them would be to marry a woman who is like our mother. I think that's so wonderful that they have made that type of relationship with her. I can't say the same about my dad. As far as what he's taught me in what to look for in a significant other, I now know the warning signs of a bad relationship. Because of the things that he has done throughout my life, I associate negative intent with what is probably innocent interactions between fathers and daughters.

 I cannot stress the importance nearly enough of providing a good example to your children. As a parent, you have such a great effect on the kind of person who your children will grow into, and the kind of person they will choose to be with. We need to be the best of who we truly are, and fulfill the roles we are meant to fulfill.

Communication is Key

One of our assignments for class this week was to write down 8-10 "unspoken rules" we've grown up with in our families. That's really hard to do! When you grown up with an unspoken rule, I think it becomes so engrained in you, it's not a rule, but a way of life, and you think surely that's how EVERYONE lives. There was only one rule that I was able to come up with easily, and I was only able to come up with it so easily, because it's broken by my roommates constantly!
Realizing why it was so easy to come up, I think I discovered the point of this assignment. When two people marry, they come from two different families (we're going to assume that, anyway...). Regardless of the culture, religion, socioeceonomic status, race, etc. of these two families, they have different unspoken rules. The couple coming together might never think to discuss these rules, because they just seem like the way life is. This can cause trouble, because as I know from my roommates, when you grow up with the unspoken rule that anyone awake stays quiet until everyone is awake, and your roommates didn't grow up with that same rule, you wonder what in the world is wrong with them, and want to throw your pillow at their heads.
It's important to discuss things like this with someone you're coming into such a relationship with. As that's difficult to do, it would be good of each of us to be aware that when someone doesn't meet the expectations that we never think to express, it is not out of disrespect, or inconsideration, but the simple fact that they do not know the same things we know. And we need to have enough humility to realize that we may very well be breaking one of THEIR rules.

Knowing Where You Stand

We talked about some interesting stuff in class yesterday.  I mean, we always talk about interesting stuff, but yesterday's stuck out to me, because it had to do with a topic that I think any family advocate is familiar with; population.
An argument that I think many are familiar with is that couples should limit how many children they have.  That the world is over-populated as it is, and parents that have several children are just adding to the problem. 
Apparently, as we discussed in class, if you took every nuclear family in the world, gave them each one acre to live in, we could all fit in Texas.  Hmm.  Sort of makes the whole idea of not enough space for all the people a little less powerful, doesn't it?

Making a Change

On Friday in my Family Relations class, we were talking about research, and how to discern good research from bad research.  Towards the end of the class, our teacher asked us to decide on a topic regarding families that we could research if we could. 
At first, my mind was blank.  It was the end of a long day, my last class of the week, and my brain was just done with all things scholastic.  After rolling a few mediocre ideas around in my head for a bit, my pen was on the paper ready to write one of them down, and my idea struck me: What are the long-term affects on children who have a parent who regularly views pornography?
This is definitely a question born of personal experience.  It's not experience I'm going to get into much right now (though I guess I'm not quite leaving much up to the imagination).
My teacher asked us later why a person chooses to research something, so I thought about my reasons.  To spark a change... to bring an awareness to others... to help.  Because of my own experience with this sort of thing, it's something I feel passionate about. 
I realized after the class that I felt inspired.  I want to actually do research on this.  I want to bring it to people's attention.  I want people to know what an issue this is.  I want to make people aware of the problems that this sort of thing does cause.  I need to look into what to do to make this possible.